Parenting #4 - Self-esteem versus ego

What is ego? It is an external validation that each one of us seek for our capabilities.

What is self-esteem? It is an internal assurance of our capabilities.

Ego, in itself, is not bad per se. It is how we feed it. It is generally considered bad to have an ego., because what we encounter is an inflated ego.

A child has to develop an ego so he knows that he is an entity by himself. So, we as a parent, boost his ego once in a while, without overdoing it.

We have to teach our child to embrace a healthy ego, because that will build our child’s self-esteem. Self-esteem is a must for every individual. It takes its roots at the child stage itself. High self-esteem is important for a child to develop her self-confidence. She believes in her inner capabilities and hence develops confidence to take up activities.

A child with high self-esteem will learn to deal with failures as, since she is confident about her capabilities, she is willing to put in more hard work to overcome her failure.

A child with low self-esteem, on the other hand, sees poorly of herself. She does not try hard, as she starts with the belief that she is not good or capable enough. The resultant failure will reinforce her belief about herself. This forms a vicious circle. A child with low self-esteem will tend to get bullied.

How can we better our child’s self-esteem? We should praise. We should acknowledge the child’s actions and praise her for her actions. We should praise the action and not the individual. We should be specific with our praise. Not, “You are so generous. You always help people.”. But, “Today, you helped your friend with her class notes as she hurt her good hand. That was a nice gesture.”

We should be careful not to overpraise. We can avoid extreme words like, “You are the best singer/sportsman ever.” In case of failure, boost the confidence by saying, “You can do better next time with practice or by learning new skills, now that we know what you need to work on to become better.” We should avoid blaming external factors for the child’s failure such as, “You performed well, but the game did not follow fair rules”; or, “The ground was bad”.

Self-esteem is the foundation for a child’s growth. The difference in understanding ego and an inflated ego helps in nurturing he child in the right direction.