Values – How they shape one’s life?

Values are the fundamental forces that drive our lives.

“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same. But you leave them all over everything you do.” – Elvis Presley

“Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way.” - Stephen Covey

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” – Roy Disney

 

“What is the value that is most important to me?” is a question what each one of us should be asking ourselves. Once there is a clarity in what our values are it becomes easier for us to make decisions. Values guide us through our lives as they are our fundamental beliefs and every action or non-action is guided by them.

When asked about my values, I realized that independence was most important for me. The need for financial independence came in a little early. As years went by, I realized the need for physical independence as well towards the last stages of my life.

The desire for financial independence drove me to engage myself continuously in earning propositions. It guided me to be prudent in spending and hence accumulate savings. It motivated me to explore different investment avenues. It taught me to analyse risk-reward metrics of an investment opportunity.

Values play an important part in the course of parenting as well. Apart from personal values, there can be family values as well. Inculcation of family values in children can be achieved through discussions and demonstration by the parents. Decisions have to be guided through values and demonstrated through actions continuously. This will set the children on a path, which is more decisive and has greater clarity.

So, what values are important to you – a personal level and at family level?

Respect others’ preferences

Each one of us has our own tastes and preferences for everything on earth. They are “our” preferences. But at times we fail to see others’ preferences objectively. What we like is sometimes so important to us that we wrinkle our nose at the other person’s choice of the same stuff. We are thinking, “How can you even think of owning that stuff? It is horrible. The colour is gawdy. You should have gone for a different colour (meaning the colour that suits my taste)”. We cannot seem to understand how the other person made the choice that is not to your liking. In the process, we have hurt the person and made them conscious of their choice.

It is bad etiquette and insensitive to express a dislike to the food that the other person is eating. We have to understand that her palette is different from ours. We are putting up a selfish behaviour even if we comment that we don’t like the stuff. There has to be a “live and let live” philosophy. “You can have your potatoes everyday – I won’t comment on the ill-effects of doing so. Do not comment on me enjoying my bottle gourd, just because you don’t enjoy the taste and the texture. I don’t even want to hear that you don’t like it.”

I respect your preference, you respect mine.

Parenting#10 - Overparenting

Overparenting is when parents are deeply involved (mostly unnecessarily) in the day-to-day lives of their children. Their objective is to shield their children from discomforts and failure type of situations These parents want to make everything comfortable for their children and do not want their child to endure any kind of “hardship”.

During one of the workshops, I had conducted for children in my library, a parent was highly indignant that her child was made to sit on a mat on the floor (even though there were other kids seated with him). “My child is not used to sitting on the floor”, she said.

By giving comforts such as travelling by air-conditioned vehicles, sitting throughout the day in air-conditioned rooms, not travelling by public vehicles – all these hinder the children from developing a good “immune” system. They become intolerant to a less clean environment and are not willing to commute with strangers. In the process they lose out on enjoying small joys of childhood.

Traveling by train for 17 hours or more was a sheer joy in childhood days. Reading the name of the stations, imitating the different vendors, listening to the “trrring” of the cold-drink seller, trying to use the wash room which is constantly shaking, making new friends during the journey, buying books/comics at the station of departure, reading while cuddled up on the top berth – all these are small joys which are irreplaceable. Instead, we are now travelling by air so that we get a cleaner and a less noisy environment. We are ready to endure the restricted space and movement, but we feel dignified.

We have to let our children go through filth, so that they can come out shining. We have to let them fall down and get hurt so that they can get up victorious. We have to let them handle their day-to-day tiffs with their friends so that they can emerge healthier emotionally. Let them upset their digestive system once in a while, they will end up having a stronger gut.

Remember that we are preparing them for life. Life can throw many things at them, which we cannot foresee. Once we expose them to the real world, we are equipping them to handle their own situations. We have to play the long game.

Parenting #9 - Overindulgence

Overparenting is a phenomenon which was widely prevalent from 2000 till about 2015. Overparenting refers to the situation when parents overindulge their children in their demands.

The reason for this is that these parents have had restricted childhood. Their parents told a “no” a greater number of times than a “Yes”. Moreover, salary levels, in general, had increased across board, over what their parents were earning. These two factors were the main forces behind the overindulgence. The thought process was “I could not have it as a child. I want my child to have it”. This is without taking into consideration whether the child is really in need for it. If a child demands something, these parents made it a point to get him that stuff the next moment.

Here the parents need to take a pause and think through whether the child really needs it or is it just a “want”. It is not the question of affordability, but overindulging. By saying “no”, the parent is not depriving the child of basic needs. Here, it is important to distinguish between, “I want” and “I need”.

Overindulgence was also due to the peer pressure faced by the parents. A child would demand something which is priced quite high just because his friend boasted about owning it. The typical overindulging parent thinks, “Oh! If I don’t buy this for my child, he will be humiliated among his friends. Let me get this for him, so that he is comfortable among his friends.”

Saying “no” helps a child to understand that he may not get everything that he demands in life. He will learn to value and appreciate the things he owns. He will realise that he has to work hard to achieve certain things in life. Through parental guidance he can learn to handle peer pressure during his base years. In effect, he learns a lot of life skills.

It is ok to say “no’ to your child. By saying “no”, we, as parents are helping him distinguish between a want and a need. We are training him in life skills.

Parenting #8 - Emotional Wellbeing

Emotional health is important in a human being to perform better in life and to be able to give one’s fullest. So, how do we ensure that our children are emotionally healthy.

Firstly, we have to be aware of any changes in our child’s behaviour. Then, we can help our child recognise the causes that underlie the feelings that they are experiencing like anger, frustration, fear, guilt, joy and so on. By encouraging them to name and acknowledge those feelings, we help them to gain self-awareness. When we communicate with our child and share our experiences of similar emotional state, they will know that they are not alone. The child’s emotions should not be taken lightly. Instead, we have to understand where their feelings and emotions are coming from. Let them vent out their emotions. Let them cry. Give them the time and space so that they learn to deal with emotions. We can go through a self-reflection process with them. Encourage resilience. Children may have trouble accepting limitations or failures. We have to build trust by teaching them the importance of good relationships. Lastly and the most important action is to build our child’s self-esteem.

There are certain things that are given and non-negotiable that fortify the emotional development. They are unconditional love, guidance, connectedness, honesty and respecting each other’s feelings.

An emotionally healthy child is better equipped to handle various situations in her life. Give her the strong foundation.

Parenting #7 – Attitude of gratitude

 “Thank you”, “Please” and “Sorry” are the golden words which each one of us should be using frequently.

“Thank you Mommy for the awesome lunch”, says my daughter after eating every meal cooked by me. After acknowledging her thanks, I thank the Universe for giving me such a wonderful daughter who knows to appreciate things in her life and has not taken them for granted.

I would say a “thank you”, when my child helps me. This helps in two ways. One, the child understands that I appreciate her behaviour or action, that she has done something good; it hence reinforces her behaviour. Secondly, it builds the foundation for gratitude and empathy in her.

Having reflection time is one of the many ways in appreciating and being grateful for what we have and experience. A good time is at the end of the day when we can ask our child what went good or what went bad during the day. This also helps them opening up to us as they see us sharing our day’s events with them. They will realise that we are also, like them having good days and bad days and they will share their day’s events with us without any hesitation. They will also realise that there are solutions to handling difficult situations. This has a bearing on their thinking. They become solution oriented.

We should encourage them to maintain a gratitude journal. Thanking someone is a way to show our appreciation for the other person his behaviour. In certain cases, it is a way of showing that their actions are not taken for granted. Gratitude starts at home.

When something good happens in our lives, we need to count our blessings and one of the ways is to thank the universe and acknowledge that we are indeed blessed. Thanking for the food on table and the ability to enjoy our meal prior to eating a meal sets a precedence to our child to be thankful of the good things in their lives.   

Exposing our children to the lives of the less fortunate will make them realise how blessed they are. This will teach them to learn to appreciate and be thankful. At the same time empathy also builds up.

Attitude of gratitude is something our child picks up only from her surroundings and especially, from our actions. Opportunity to express gratitude is everywhere. We need to practice it everyday so that our child also gets into the habit.

Parenting #6 – Time management

Time is a limited resource and cannot be created. Everybody has 24 hours. It is the only resource which is equal for everybody. It is up to us to decide how to utilize those 24 hours.

We have to teach our child to respect other people’s time and be punctual. When we adhere to the time committed to someone, then we are teaching our child to have a time discipline. This also helps in planning and scheduling our own activities.

Drawing up calendars and schedules helps the child to manage her time more effectively. Some amount of time discipline comes to the child from school where classes are scheduled for a time period and she has to be prepared for the class.

We can help our child in setting up a schedule by sitting along with her to understand what she wants to do with her time. The activities may include playing outdoors or indoors, engaging in some hobby, watching TV or reading apart from the routine activities like eating, bathing, studying or sleeping.

Teaching your child to prioritise goes a long way in helping the child manage her time better. In fact, prioritising is a life skill.

Procrastination causes much damage to our time management. But it has to be noted that some children (and even grow up so) can work best under pressure. Procrastinating puts a time pressure on them and they perform very well. We have to lookout for the instances when procrastinating is done due to reasons like laziness or that someone else will handle the situation for them. The perils of procrastination have to be explained.

Time management is skill that most grown up adults struggle to deal with. Teaching our children to handle their time at young age will set a strong foundation for them.