Routine versus habits

I am a person of routine. Each day starts with a set of activities. This set of activities remain constant over a period of time, but have not remained the same forever. Two main reasons can be attributed for a change in the set of activities; it may just be one activity, a few activities or all of them.

(a) some external factor has forced me to make a change

(b) Internally, I might feel that I have to change something so as to improve my condition/behaviour.

If a routine is done for a long period of time, then it tends to become a habit. Habit is essentially an action that is done automatically. The muscles just move to do that activity.

So, it can be inferred that if one wants to inculcate good habits, one has to set a routine and follow it consistently till it becomes a habit.

In certain cases, the habits are so ingrained that "automatic" becomes "mindless". For instance, I have been doing exercises every morning for several years now. There are days when the movements are automatic. The muscles just move automatically from one exercise to the next. At the end of it, I sometimes wonder if I did all the exercises. I was elsewhere mentally and was not mindful of my exercises.

This brings us to mindfulness. Research says one has to be mindful while performing any activity for it to be effective. Mindfulness in an activity helps in making it a routine and converting it into a habit. The advantages of maintaining a habit can be derived by being mindful. 

So, can we create a routine to inculcate good habits in our everyday lives?

Asking Questions

The most serious mistakes are not being made as a result of wrong answers. The truly dangerous thing is asking the wrong question. - Peter Drucker

A prudent question is one-half of wisdom. - Francis Bacon

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question. - Eugene Ionesco

Asking questions can be irritating or a pleasure to the recipient depending on the type of question being asked or the person asking the question.

A child asking questions is usually seen as "cute". There is a perception of curiosity or learning that the child is demonstrating. But if the same kind of questions are asked by an octogenarian or a septuagenarian they are seen as "irritating", even though the objective is the same that of curiosity or learning. The answers to the same questions asked by a child or an elderly person are answered differently by the recipient. The level of patience varies between the extreme points.

Curiosity based questions can again be segregated as curiosity shown with the intention of learning and curiosity shown merely for gossip sake. The latter type of curiosity can cause harm if it is not detected by the recipient of the questions.

The other type of questions is the type a consultant asks. It is said that a consultant is judged by the kind of questions she asks. Here, one is the information-gathering type of questions and the other is reality-seeking type of questions. The information-gathering type of questions are asked to represent the information in a report. The reality-seeking type of questions are for presenting the correct scenario. The latter type of questions are usually the "uncomfortable" questions as the recipients are usually hesitant to answer the questions. More often than not, it is better if the client answers these uncomfortable questions as early as possible in the business cycle so that they can set things right and take the business in the right direction before it is too late.

Questions can be open-ended or close-ended. As seen in questionnaires for surveys, a good questionnaire will have open-ended questions. This will encourage the respondents to think and present the true picture. The responses will be unbiased as opposed to closed-ended questions, where the respondent is directed to think towards a favourable response.

So, as a recipient, are you demonstrating the right amount of patience while answering the questions? As an information-seeker, are you asking the right questions?

Does the early bird always get the worm?

"The early bird gets the worm" goes the saying. But in life, if you are early in doing something, you become a harbinger, only if someone has noticed you or your work; or if you have been able to put out your work for the world to notice. Otherwise, benefits of being the early bird are not available.

India opened up internet to the public in 1995. We were probably the first few ones to have paid Rs 15,000 for a dial-up connection. So, I am used to having internet at home earlier most Indians. 2001 - I quit my full-time job to try to become a full time mother. But the intellectual me would be frustrated. As I was trying to look for a part-time engagement, I was getting weird looks - an MBA looking for a part-time job? I was lucky to get one; but realised that the work involved was so much, that it needed a full-time engagement.

Since I had internet at home, I realised that I could work while at home and occasionally go to the work-place for meetings ad discussions. This concept now called "work from home" was unheard of in 2001-2002. I would apply for jobs (full-time), go for interviews and after being offered the position, would mention the "work from home" concept. This would uniformly shock the interviewers. I tried hard, but in vain, to sell the concept. One woman interviewer (in one of the big Fours, then) was impressed, but apologised - "Your idea is brilliant; but we do not have such policies in place." I even gave her the idea of signing an NDA.

This forced me check out other options. How about an engagement, wherein, I can work for a few hours a week at mutually convenient times? This later came to be known as "flexi-timing". Again, I had to convince a lot of interviewers about the win-win situation, and then, I got a break with a marine consultant. I still owe it to him for giving me the opportunity. It was at that time, when I got further opportunities to handle assignments as a "freelancer". This was a long stint, though still very early for my time. A freelancer  was then looked upon as a person who did not have clear goals or was not able to hold a decent job for long. As a growing parent and caring wife and daughter-in-law, this arrangement suited me well. Though, I was earning less than my contemporaries, I was enjoying the varied experiences across industries. Now, a freelancer is seen as equal as a full-time job holder.

So, did this early bird get the worm?

Instructions and checklists are not needed to do simple things

Owing to the pandemic caused due to corona virus, we are “advised” to wash our hands regularly. We Indians, traditionally eat using our hands. So automatically, we wash our hands before we start eating. People who use spoons, do not find the need to wash their hands, neither before eating, nor after eating. So, the germs that they have collected during the day are accumulated in their hands. While touching their face, they are inadvertently transmitting the germs, which they inhale.

We Indians leave our footwear outside the door of the house before entering the house for obvious reasons that our footwear contains elements of dirt from the road; it could even be someone’s spit. When we walk around the house wearing those shoes, then we are bringing all kinds of germs into the house. So, when the instructions to wash our hands several times during the day came in, we Indians did not find it strange, nor was it difficult for us to follow as it was part of our routine.

A lot of Indians have adopted the western culture of eating and ablution habits. But now, we are coming back to our roots, wherein our Indian culture and way of life are being resorted to after being scientifically proven these are the best methods. Some of such habits are-

1. Eating using our hands (benefit of rasas – look out for another upcoming blog on this space)

2. Washing legs and hands after using the toilet

3. Having separate rooms for bathing and toilet

4. The style of Indian style toilet has greater benefits than the western style commode

Is it possible to go back to living the traditional Indian way of life? 

Goal versus the journey

Through the growing up years, we were told to have goals and work towards them. I have managed to achieve 4 out of the 5 goals set during the last semester of my MBA. Over the years thereafter, I read philosophers and happiness psychologists advocating not to have goals, but enjoy the process, the journey. If you have set goals, will you be happy once you have achieved them? There is a sense of satisfaction of having achieved 80% of the goals that I had set for myself. But can I say I am happy?

I realized that I am living so much in the present. Consciously, I have let go of the past, not just the bad memories and forgiving those who I “thought”, or “felt” had “hurt” me, but also the past glories. Forgetting the negatives of the past has obvious benefits. But forgetting or minimizing the “aha-ness” of the past glories was equally important. There are 2 reasons

- One would keep thinking – “Wow, I did this” and get into a mode of self-glory and complacency. This does not help in moving ahead in life.

- At this stage in life, while nearing the golden year, I am not out to impress anybody with the certificates from the past. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody.

The only reason I would reflect on the past achievements is to feel blessed that I had the opportunities to experience them.

Let’s enjoy the journey, the goals will come through.

Boys will be boys?

Are boys and girls psychologically the same? No – any brain expert will tell you that. But is it possible to influence the thinking process through conditioning? Yes, that is possible.

I recently asked a group of friends – how many of you have boys at home who would (on his own) offer a cup of tea to you when you come home after a tired day? The responses I got were – “he puts up a fabulous lunch/dinner once in a while”, “he can prepare exotic dishes from various cuisines”. These are really fantastic. But this is not what I was looking for. The “occasional” is made ‘special’ and not casual or a matter of routine.

Recently, I was speaking to certain friends who are friends because our fathers were friends. While reminiscing how independent my father was – not only with respect to his own day-routine, but also help out Mum by boiling milk and readying the coffee decoction in morning before my mum was up, attending to the washing machine, the dried clothes and so on. And….he would do it casually. The friend remembered that even her father used to do the same. I had expected this kind of response from my group of friends.

We need to condition our boys. If they grow up in an environment where they see men helping around in household chores casually, then they are automatically tuned into it. What creates such an environment – our attitude, our “culture”, our conditioning?

IMO the more the number of boys are sensitive to such issues, the fewer will be the number of assaults on their female counterparts. I sincerely believe it is as easy as that.

So, how sensitive are our boys?

Celebrating small things

Life is made of small things. It took me some time to understand this. Childhood days were full of pleasures in small things. We would run out in the rain, strain our eyes to look out for a rainbow, make paper boats, run out to see and identify the tail of the aircraft that was flying by. I thought these were normal till I met a friend who would say “what’s the big deal?” to most things I was excited about. If I think too much about it, then yes, it is not a big deal. But then, what is a “big deal”? What is wrong in celebrating small events and making a big deal of happy events in your life.  I congratulated a friend on his promotion. He shrugged and said, “It is a delayed one”, not seeming to want to celebrate it. I wanted to roll my eyes and say, “At least you got it”.

Celebrating small things in life simply puts you in a positive mode as you start to see the good things in life and appreciate them. If we look at others’ lives by merely scratching the surface, we realize how much we take things for granted in our lives. There are always negative things around us. In fact most things force us to look at the negative things. Take the daily newspaper, for example. Pages after pages there are horrifying stories. Heart-warming, inspirational and brain-tickling stories are few. As we read, our sub-conscious mind starts to deviate towards the stories we read. We begin to believe that the world is what we read. An inspirational story makes us believe that there is plenty of hope and we start believing and behaving in a manner that will only substantiate it. This can have a cascading effect on not only our thoughts, actions, but also (I believe) will influence others around us to go the same way.

So, what did you celebrate today?

Are you doing the right things as a parent?

Are you teaching your child the significance of the 3 magic words?

Are you teaching your child the basics of personal finance, starting with savings?

Are you teaching your child empathy?

Are you spending time with your child in her space?

Are you bribing your child for the routine tasks they are supposed to do?

Are you exposing your child to social service activities?

Are you exposing your child to the wonders of nature?