Parenting #2 – Carrot and Stick

As parents, we want our children to be disciplined, well-mannered and behave appropriately. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” was the popular style of parenting in 1960s and the 70s. It has evolved over the years to become “You do this particular activity and you will be rewarded”. It has gone to the point that even a small activity is rewarded. The carrot could be a clap, a chocolate to a gadget. While it is not wrong to appreciate and reward an achievement, it is important to understand the level of achievement and the kind of appreciation that is awarded, whether that reward is justified. There are times when the rewards actually cause harm to the child. For instance, if the child is told, “You brush your teeth and you get to watch TV.” This is an unnecessary reward here; as brushing of teeth has to be done irrespective of a reward. In general, activities which need to be done have to be done. There are no rewards for those.

Children perceive rewards as something they enjoy. So, when we make an activity a fun thing instead of treating it as a chore, then the child knows that chore to be a fun activity. For instance, if I want my child to keep her books away, then I would join her with a song, “The books go 1, 2, 3, 4 back on the shelves…”. I would deliberately put a book with its spine inside, then laugh at my action, “Oops! Now I don’t know which book this is. Aah! I should put it this way.” Turn the book with its spine outside. In case of a teenager, I would make him feel responsible by making him in charge of a chore.

As adults, we crave for attention or reward or appreciation. But conditioning the child to not anticipate a reward works best. We have to remember that the world mostly operates on incentive system.

Dealing with a child with a stick always is equally bad, as it dampens the spirit of the child. For me, hitting a child is not a done thing, as I see it as one of the many sources form where a child picks up slight nuances of violence.

Sticks are not limited to physical abuse, but also words. “Stupid”’ “idiot”, “good for nothing” just smashes the child’s self-esteem. The child loses her self-confidence.

Both carrots and sticks are needed. But how we want to use these and their intensity is in our hands. Too much of either of them is bad. It is my belief the at most situations can be dealt with love and patience. Of course, a lot of energy will be spent, as the child will try her best to get the thing she wants out of us. But if we show patience, by talking calmly and explaining her scientifically, we will be able to mostly convince her otherwise.

In short, authoritarian tone does not help. There is openness, if we speak softly.