Goal versus the journey

Through the growing up years, we were told to have goals and work towards them. I have managed to achieve 4 out of the 5 goals set during the last semester of my MBA. Over the years thereafter, I read philosophers and happiness psychologists advocating not to have goals, but enjoy the process, the journey. If you have set goals, will you be happy once you have achieved them? There is a sense of satisfaction of having achieved 80% of the goals that I had set for myself. But can I say I am happy?

I realized that I am living so much in the present. Consciously, I have let go of the past, not just the bad memories and forgiving those who I “thought”, or “felt” had “hurt” me, but also the past glories. Forgetting the negatives of the past has obvious benefits. But forgetting or minimizing the “aha-ness” of the past glories was equally important. There are 2 reasons

- One would keep thinking – “Wow, I did this” and get into a mode of self-glory and complacency. This does not help in moving ahead in life.

- At this stage in life, while nearing the golden year, I am not out to impress anybody with the certificates from the past. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody.

The only reason I would reflect on the past achievements is to feel blessed that I had the opportunities to experience them.

Let’s enjoy the journey, the goals will come through.

Boys will be boys?

Are boys and girls psychologically the same? No – any brain expert will tell you that. But is it possible to influence the thinking process through conditioning? Yes, that is possible.

I recently asked a group of friends – how many of you have boys at home who would (on his own) offer a cup of tea to you when you come home after a tired day? The responses I got were – “he puts up a fabulous lunch/dinner once in a while”, “he can prepare exotic dishes from various cuisines”. These are really fantastic. But this is not what I was looking for. The “occasional” is made ‘special’ and not casual or a matter of routine.

Recently, I was speaking to certain friends who are friends because our fathers were friends. While reminiscing how independent my father was – not only with respect to his own day-routine, but also help out Mum by boiling milk and readying the coffee decoction in morning before my mum was up, attending to the washing machine, the dried clothes and so on. And….he would do it casually. The friend remembered that even her father used to do the same. I had expected this kind of response from my group of friends.

We need to condition our boys. If they grow up in an environment where they see men helping around in household chores casually, then they are automatically tuned into it. What creates such an environment – our attitude, our “culture”, our conditioning?

IMO the more the number of boys are sensitive to such issues, the fewer will be the number of assaults on their female counterparts. I sincerely believe it is as easy as that.

So, how sensitive are our boys?

Celebrating small things

Life is made of small things. It took me some time to understand this. Childhood days were full of pleasures in small things. We would run out in the rain, strain our eyes to look out for a rainbow, make paper boats, run out to see and identify the tail of the aircraft that was flying by. I thought these were normal till I met a friend who would say “what’s the big deal?” to most things I was excited about. If I think too much about it, then yes, it is not a big deal. But then, what is a “big deal”? What is wrong in celebrating small events and making a big deal of happy events in your life.  I congratulated a friend on his promotion. He shrugged and said, “It is a delayed one”, not seeming to want to celebrate it. I wanted to roll my eyes and say, “At least you got it”.

Celebrating small things in life simply puts you in a positive mode as you start to see the good things in life and appreciate them. If we look at others’ lives by merely scratching the surface, we realize how much we take things for granted in our lives. There are always negative things around us. In fact most things force us to look at the negative things. Take the daily newspaper, for example. Pages after pages there are horrifying stories. Heart-warming, inspirational and brain-tickling stories are few. As we read, our sub-conscious mind starts to deviate towards the stories we read. We begin to believe that the world is what we read. An inspirational story makes us believe that there is plenty of hope and we start believing and behaving in a manner that will only substantiate it. This can have a cascading effect on not only our thoughts, actions, but also (I believe) will influence others around us to go the same way.

So, what did you celebrate today?

Are you doing the right things as a parent?

Are you teaching your child the significance of the 3 magic words?

Are you teaching your child the basics of personal finance, starting with savings?

Are you teaching your child empathy?

Are you spending time with your child in her space?

Are you bribing your child for the routine tasks they are supposed to do?

Are you exposing your child to social service activities?

Are you exposing your child to the wonders of nature?

Being an inspiration

In a span of one year, 3 women have told me that they found me inspirational, in 3 different attributes.

A member of Nerul branch of my library opened a branch of her own saying that I was the inspiration behind her action. She saw me handling my members, my employees and the operations of the library.

A famous author said I inspired her given the way I was managing 2 branches of library, one at Nerul and one in Thane, while staying in Chembur. When I told her I took up a full time employment at the age of 47, she called me a rock star.

Being the oldest student (48 years old) at Zumba class, another student said I was an inspiration for her as I was not only dancing the way the others (much younger to me) were doing, but also maintaining an exercise regime every morning.

Parenting

Even before my daughter was born, I would read a lot on child psychology and articles and books on child upbringing. Of course, most of the books were by foreigners, but some articles were by Indians. These have helped a lot in understanding my daughter and trying to be a better parent.

1.       We need to realise that each child is unique, so comparison is an absolute no-no.
2.           We tend to compare our childhood, what we did, what we did not, what we were allowed to do, and not allowed to do, what we wanted, but could not have.. The last one, I realised was the most dangerous one. I have seen parents around me wanting to give their children things and tell everybody that they have done so. This seemed to me more as a “thing to be proud about”, “see I can afford it” types. These are usually counterproductive. We, as parents, would then find it difficult to bring in the values in our children. Comparison with other children’s possessions start, so we start “keeping up with the Joneses”. What a child starts with demanding for something worth Rs 10/- leads to the child demanding something worth 1000 times that, by then it is too late to arrest the demands.
3.          It is not easy in today’s world to be your child’s friend. It works both ways. The balance is very delicate.
4.         Lead with your actions. We cannot tell our child to behave in a particular fashion if we behave in the opposite manner.
5.          Our values and culture form a strong base. If these are imbibed well at early stages, half the battle is won.
6.        Most important, I have realised very recently, we have to teach our children the lessons of life. They have to be able to face the difficulties that come on their path and give them a tough fight.

True Beauty

True beauty comes from heart. It is how you respond to people, how you treat other forms of beings around you. It is how to speak to them. The face shines, because the heart is pure and the words coming out are pleasant. There is no filth inside. There is purity and the shine on the face is due to that purity.

If we are able to think without being judgmental, there are more positive thoughts generated. Such thoughts lead to positive and pleasant words being spoken. The environment is more pleasing and transmits positive energy. The smile that is generated through words elevates the levels of positive energy.

A person who always smiles, or rather has a “smiling face” will look younger than their contemporaries.