Respect others’ preferences

Each one of us has our own tastes and preferences for everything on earth. They are “our” preferences. But at times we fail to see others’ preferences objectively. What we like is sometimes so important to us that we wrinkle our nose at the other person’s choice of the same stuff. We are thinking, “How can you even think of owning that stuff? It is horrible. The colour is gawdy. You should have gone for a different colour (meaning the colour that suits my taste)”. We cannot seem to understand how the other person made the choice that is not to your liking. In the process, we have hurt the person and made them conscious of their choice.

It is bad etiquette and insensitive to express a dislike to the food that the other person is eating. We have to understand that her palette is different from ours. We are putting up a selfish behaviour even if we comment that we don’t like the stuff. There has to be a “live and let live” philosophy. “You can have your potatoes everyday – I won’t comment on the ill-effects of doing so. Do not comment on me enjoying my bottle gourd, just because you don’t enjoy the taste and the texture. I don’t even want to hear that you don’t like it.”

I respect your preference, you respect mine.

Parenting#10 - Overparenting

Overparenting is when parents are deeply involved (mostly unnecessarily) in the day-to-day lives of their children. Their objective is to shield their children from discomforts and failure type of situations These parents want to make everything comfortable for their children and do not want their child to endure any kind of “hardship”.

During one of the workshops, I had conducted for children in my library, a parent was highly indignant that her child was made to sit on a mat on the floor (even though there were other kids seated with him). “My child is not used to sitting on the floor”, she said.

By giving comforts such as travelling by air-conditioned vehicles, sitting throughout the day in air-conditioned rooms, not travelling by public vehicles – all these hinder the children from developing a good “immune” system. They become intolerant to a less clean environment and are not willing to commute with strangers. In the process they lose out on enjoying small joys of childhood.

Traveling by train for 17 hours or more was a sheer joy in childhood days. Reading the name of the stations, imitating the different vendors, listening to the “trrring” of the cold-drink seller, trying to use the wash room which is constantly shaking, making new friends during the journey, buying books/comics at the station of departure, reading while cuddled up on the top berth – all these are small joys which are irreplaceable. Instead, we are now travelling by air so that we get a cleaner and a less noisy environment. We are ready to endure the restricted space and movement, but we feel dignified.

We have to let our children go through filth, so that they can come out shining. We have to let them fall down and get hurt so that they can get up victorious. We have to let them handle their day-to-day tiffs with their friends so that they can emerge healthier emotionally. Let them upset their digestive system once in a while, they will end up having a stronger gut.

Remember that we are preparing them for life. Life can throw many things at them, which we cannot foresee. Once we expose them to the real world, we are equipping them to handle their own situations. We have to play the long game.

Parenting #9 - Overindulgence

Overparenting is a phenomenon which was widely prevalent from 2000 till about 2015. Overparenting refers to the situation when parents overindulge their children in their demands.

The reason for this is that these parents have had restricted childhood. Their parents told a “no” a greater number of times than a “Yes”. Moreover, salary levels, in general, had increased across board, over what their parents were earning. These two factors were the main forces behind the overindulgence. The thought process was “I could not have it as a child. I want my child to have it”. This is without taking into consideration whether the child is really in need for it. If a child demands something, these parents made it a point to get him that stuff the next moment.

Here the parents need to take a pause and think through whether the child really needs it or is it just a “want”. It is not the question of affordability, but overindulging. By saying “no”, the parent is not depriving the child of basic needs. Here, it is important to distinguish between, “I want” and “I need”.

Overindulgence was also due to the peer pressure faced by the parents. A child would demand something which is priced quite high just because his friend boasted about owning it. The typical overindulging parent thinks, “Oh! If I don’t buy this for my child, he will be humiliated among his friends. Let me get this for him, so that he is comfortable among his friends.”

Saying “no” helps a child to understand that he may not get everything that he demands in life. He will learn to value and appreciate the things he owns. He will realise that he has to work hard to achieve certain things in life. Through parental guidance he can learn to handle peer pressure during his base years. In effect, he learns a lot of life skills.

It is ok to say “no’ to your child. By saying “no”, we, as parents are helping him distinguish between a want and a need. We are training him in life skills.